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News from the Far Side

Wednesday 27th August 2008

'I never touched that man's groin': Citing hearings are set for a revolution

SANZAR are in the motions of taking steps to make the judicial process around disciplinary hearings more user-friendly as cited players will soon be able plead their cases from the comfort of their hotel rooms.

Australian flank Rocky Elsom has appealed against a one-match suspension following his citing for an incident in Saturday's Tri-Nations Test between Australia and South Africa in Durban. Elsom's appeal will be heard by telephonic conference on Thursday.

At the initial hearing, Victor Matfield, who was the victim of Elsom's pulling-down tactics in a line-out, gave telephonic evidence that he suffered an injury in the incident.

With telephonic testimonies becoming more and more frequent, SANZAR have decided to streamline the entire process and cited players will now be able to plead their case through a series of recorded telephonic prompts.

Players calling in the "citings hotline" will be greeted by the soothing female voice, and if they call on time, they will be rewarded with a FREE super-soaker sponge to go with a do-it-yourself car-wash-and-polish kit for the low low price of $24, 95 (while stocks last).

NFS sources within the corridors of SANZAR have secured a part of the prompts players will follow:

"Thank you far calling the SANZAR Citings Hotline," says the voice.

"->To plead 'guilty' press #1.
- Thank you for pleading "guilty". To choose from a list of possible sanctions, press #1. The choose from a list of possible "alternative means of settlement," press #2. To record a message of remorse for press release, press #3.

->To plead 'not guilty' press #2.
- Thank you for pleading "not guilty". To choose from a list of possible excuses, press #1. To blame a team-mate for your crime, press #2. If you feel that you are the victim of a society that does not understand the need for rougher-than-usual tactics in a post-modernist world deprived of moral values and righteousness, press #3

->To plead 'insanity' press #3.
- Thank you for pleading "insanity". If you choose to blame your incompetent coach for your mental meltdown, press #1. If you choose to blame your absent father and manic-depressive mother, press # 2. For a list of possible medications, press #3.

->To plead 'biased refereeing' press #4.
-Thank you for pleading 'biased refereeing.' To record threatening message to be sent to referee, press #1. If your opponent 'done it first', press #2. If you're tired of this crap and want to speak to an agent about moving to the Northern hemisphere, press #3. "

To cut operational cost down to a minimum, SANZAR are considering moving the call centre to India, where operators, fuelled by brightly coloured fizzy drinks, will be able to work around the clock - a necessity considering the time difference between Africa and Australasia.

Matfield sustained a groin injury in the Elsom line-out incident. He is the second Springbok captain to be hurt in the mommy-and-daddy zone during this year's Tri-Nations after John Smit's groin was torn by Brad Thorn.

In collaboration with NFS news, the Springboks have also launched their own investigations into possibility that Australia and New Zealand are employing below-the-belt tactics and are aiming, well, below-the-belt.

"It's tough to play when you have your balls cut off, er, at the breakdown," said Bok spokesman Piet Volsnot.

"We understand the Springbok captains, as a rule, always have huge, er, groin areas that are difficult to avoid, but we feel that our fellow SAZNAR members might be jealous of our own member, er, -ship."

Both the creation of citing call-centres and the "nether region conspiracy" have caused a stir in France, were in the introduction of the ELVs has opened the door for the even more initiatives including "nether region call centres" to complement the already popular calendars of naked rugby players.

"Whe 'ave many many whooman spektators that like vary vary much ze rugbymen," a French League spokesman told the daily L'Equipe des Roses.

"Whe whant to 'ave ze profit from ze player nezer ragion and ze telephone. Ze Whooman can call ze player she like from ze calhendar to make a sexy phone time."

Not everyone in France in convinced that the plan will work though.

"Si vous comprenez cette paragraphe, cliquez ici pour s'inscrire au Club des r�volutionnaires contre les rosbif," (First they're taking their kit off, then they're playing in pink, now they want to revolutionise the change rooms at clubs, it's mad,) said players representative, Jean Petitshlong.

By Ross 'Theboss' Hastie