FUN

News from the Far Side

Monday 23rd June 2008

On thin ice: Night-time escapades on tour with England

As allegations, insinuations, altercations and aberrations abound in the England camp, an in-depth investigation into the night-time whereabouts of the squad's players has revealed a strange pattern of unusual behaviour on the part of the select group.

A crack squad of elite operatives, working exclusively for NFS, has uncovered that a few England players were regularly absent from the team hotel after dark and engaged in secret activities.

Lawyers have advised the players not to comment publicly on their actions for fear of being misunderstood.

The group of players, so far know only as the ice-capaders, spent the vast majority of their 'free time' in New Zealand attending - and some believe participating in - shows of the hit ice-skating show, "Holiday on Ice".

"Ice-skating is for real men too," a member of the group said.

"All those nice costumes, those fabulous twirling movements, it's enough to get a guy all hot under the collar.

"Some of the guys prefer to spend their time in bars and doing all-sorts, we spend all our time where the action is, ice-side!"

In more news from England's sight-seeing trip down south, Rob Andrew is said to have forged an extremely close relationship with Martin Johnson's family.

So close, in fact, that their newly-born child has been nicknamed "Robbie" because of the striking similarities between the two.

At a conference after the first Test Andrew was quoted as saying: "WHHHHAAAAAA, wwhaa, whhhaaa, whaaaaaaaaAaAaA."

When asked to elaborate, Andrew said: "WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA, aahahahah, WHHHHAAAAA."

In more news from the Southern Hemisphere, SANZAR has come up with a revolutionary strategy to increase television viewer numbers.

"The problem is the same team always wins," said an Australian spokesman, Neil O'Nathan.

In future teams will be deducted one playing member in the starting line-up according to their finishing position on the Super 14 table from the bottom up - meaning that the Crusaders will be left with just two players.

"The Cheetahs versus Richie McCaw and Dan Carter should make for an even contest," said O'Nathan.

South Africa's rugby administrators have their own plan to increase TV watchers which is to be trialled in the Currie Cup.

"We're giving the television refs more power," said high ranking official Piet Volsnot.

"We think we need to set an example, if people see the ref watching more TV, they'll do the same!"

In news from France, Dax have been fined 5,000 euros for the use of field-side pyrotechnics. The club's management have denied that the use of smoke machines was intended to cover up the fact that their performances on the pitch were not worthy of their place in the Top 14.

In news from Italy's tour to Cape Town, the Azzuri's South African coach Nick Mallett was over the moon with his side's 26-0 defeat to the Springboks.

"I told the lads that our number one objective was to keep the score down to a minimum," Mallett told the Cape Overeasy Times.

"I said to them before the game, 'listen lads, we want a low score today' - they followed my orders to the letter and brought back a nil!

"I mean how long can you go? They kicked the cover off the ball and made sure no one did any attacking, fantastic!"

"Dopo averle lavate per depurarle dalla sabbia, fate aprire le vongole in un tegame con un cucchiaio di olio extravergine d'oliva e tre bicchieri d'acqua, scaldato a fiamma bassa," (The fruits of our labour grew thick and juicy on the ground at Newlands. When the farmer plants his carrots, he must eat them with joy) said Italian second row Mauro Lotsapastini.