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News from the Far Side

Monday 30th June 2008

Synchronised: The All Blacks have been working hard on their floor routine

New Zealand coach Graham Henry has given the Springboks a mark of ten out of ten ahead of their Tri-Nations clash in Wellington on Saturday. He was less complementary of England, giving the Bunch of Roses a measly five.

Henry gave the All Blacks' other Tri-Nations rivals Australia a score of 7,34.

"I wasn't quite happy with Matt Giteau's form in landing his try. He wasn't really balanced and he could have added a twist to the dive," Henry told Gymnastics Weekly.

"I was impressed with Nathan Sharpe's effort in the line-outs against France. Trying a half Yuchenko with full twist while catching the ball was brave but his execution was far from perfect, and I feel the Russian judge was a little generous in giving him a 9,5."

The All Blacks have reportedly been furiously working their floor routine ahead of this weekend Test against South Africa.

In the opposition camp, Springbok coach Peter de Villiers says his overseas-based players will have no problem in adapting to the ELV's in the Tri-Nations. Sources within the Bok camp say De Villiers is following a strategy of not cluttering the players' minds with too much information, so they should be able to remember the rules.

"We've decided not to have a gameplan," said the insider, who explained that the world champions are taking to De Villiers' policy of "playing what's in front of you" like ducks to water.

"Peter reckons it's easier not to have a plan. The players don't mind, no one can understand any of his plans anyway. He's always saying one thing, then another, so it's probably easier just to wing it. The best part is Bryan Habana gets really excited every time we say 'wing' - he immediately starts jumping up and down, waving his arms and shouting 'over here, over here'.

"Of course no one ever passes to him. It's loads of fun, someone shouts 'wing' from midfield, Bryan starts jumping around and going crazy, and then the forwards maul it up. The hardest thing is keeping a straight face."

"The players are enjoying the freedom, you can do whatever you feel like and just have fun," said one player.

"I mean who cares? Butch is gonna kick the penalties anyway.

"But we'd better not get too used it. John [Smit] is arriving on Tuesday, and he'll probably have us doing boring stuff like practicing line-out calls and scrummaging and stuff."

In other news from the Southern Hemisphere, Argentina were beaten 13-12 by Italy in an unimaginative and dour game of rugby in Cordoba on Saturday. The Pumas' woes were compounded by a wrist injury to star fly-half Juan Martín Hernández.

"Jez, Jaun jhe not jhave fun hon Saturday. Jhe prefera play ina pink, lika ina Paris, and jhe got very limp wrist now," said spokesman Paulo Powdero Puffo.

The real star of the show however was referee Matt Goddard, who was sporting a bright, shiny new whistle.

"It was Matt's birthday last week," Goddard's neighbour's brother's second cousin (once removed) told the Cordoba Weekend Enquirer .

"We were all really impressed. He blew the hell out of that thing, I didn't know someone could run around so much and still have any breath left. I suppose with all those scrums, he was able to rest a lot."

In news from France, Clermont went down to the ninth, and second consecutive, French Championship Final loss, but coach Vern Cotter says it is all part of his long term plan.

"Rugby is all about balance. Nine final losses is ok, we're aiming for ten. After ten consecutive wins this season, we needed a counter-weight," he told the Auvergne Twice-Daily Mail

Down Under, France coach Marc Lièvremont was ever philosophical regarding his team's loss to the Wallabies and was full of praise for young Brive wing Alexis Palisson.

"On est sorti voir un film de cul après le match mais Alexis ne pouvait pas entrer parce que c'était interdit aux moins de 21 ans. De coup on a essayer d'aller boir un coup, mais après deux bières ils avait la tête qui tournait. Ah! ces jeunes, il ne savent pas faire la fête!"

(Alexis's apple tree of talent will grow even stronger when he turns 21. He will be a vital asset in our fruitbasket of flair), Lièvremont told French weekly Les mensonges de Dimanche .